Transformational Jesus Time

In case you didn't know, I also manage another blog and blog along with seven other women for an organization called Total Woman U. Each of the eight of us submit one post a month for the blog. My first post was a two part post about something I'm very passionate about - having transformational and consistent time with Jesus. I'd love for you to read the posts and get to know my heart a little more!

Transformational Jesus Time: Part 1

Sneak Peak: I was motivated to read my Bible every day so I could check it off of a list, because doing the things on that list seemed to be the opposite of spending eternity in a fiery pit.  I was motivated by a "supposed to", not by love (love for my Savior, and believing and understanding His love for me.) 

Tranformational Jesus Time: Part 2

Sneak Peak: Stop believing lies.  Let your Savior woo you back to Him.  Don't be motivated by a "supposed to" or check off list.  Be motivated by your Savior's complete, beautiful love for you.  When someone loves us that much, and we actually believe it, giving Him a little bit of time can become natural and not a hassle.  God knows you.  He made you.  He knows what you need, how your brain works, and wants you to love and enjoy spending time with Him.  Start today. 

#SheSharesTruth Psalm 38

Confession. When I read this passage on Monday when SheReadsTruth announced it as the reflective passage for the upcoming SheSharesTruth on Friday, I was unaffected. In that moment, I felt I had it all together. I had given up something for Lent, messed up once towards the beginning, repented, and felt like my heart was in the right place. I even felt lead to add another thing, and it was going well too. I made a note in the journaling margin of my handy ESV Journaling Bible that read, "So good for those moments when we have to come back again because we went away again." And I was good. And my heart was right. I decided I had nothing to share for SheSharesTruth this week. But then...

For two days I unintentionally stopped remembering why I was fasting from things: to depend on God to heal my wounds - big and little - instead of relying on other things that bring me a therapeutic sense of security in some way. So quickly I went away again and needed to come back again. I thought myself to be fickle, incapable of fasting from the things I cling to for 40 days. I had mentally decided, not verbally admitted, that I was giving up on my Lent callings.

Last night, I hung out with a college friend I haven't been active friends with since college until now. In college, I still operated in a shame based identity. Because I'm so open and transparent about most things now, I sometimes forget that people I knew then don't know many of the things about me that people I've met sense do. I unhesitatingly shared many things about my childhood and family without emotion, not emotionally closed off or anything, I am just so far removed, that it's normal to talk about. My friend, fighting back tears, said that she wished she had known these things about me, my life, and my family in college. She often thought no on else had been through things like she had. She said it made so much sense, the way I'm different now, released from all of the shame. In my sleepiness, I was thankful, but not reflective enough to be fully moved.

I sat down this morning at my normal Starbucks table, determined to come back and not give up on my Lent calling to fast. I was reminded of Psalm 38. I began to fight back tears and spill my coffee as I reached for it in an attempt to distract myself from crying [again] at Starbucks. I knew that what on Monday I decided not to write about, today I needed to write about. I was back in one of "those moments" needing to come back again because I went away again.

My sin, my iniquities...

"like a heavy burden, they are too heavy for me." Psalm 38:4b

"I am feeble and crushed. I groan because of the tumult of my heart." Psalm 38:8

"O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart throbs; my strength fails me." Psalm 38: 9-10a

Utterly aware of my weakness and need to return, I was reminded of last night's conversation with my friend and able to process how far away from chaos God has taken me, how much He's done. I have been released. I wrote on the coffee and tear stained pages of my journal, "Why do I live in THAT [chaos, lacking control, the past, being characterized by who I was and how I was raised and how I should have turned out] place when You have brought me so far?! I am released to run after You!"

"But for you, O Lord, do I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer." Psalm 38:15

"I confess my iniquity; I am sorry for my sin." Psalm 38:18

And then Ellie Holcomb's song Marvelous Light in perfect timing had it's turn on shuffle and filled my ears with even more applicable truth.

"I am not who I once was, define by all the things I've done [and things I used to believe]. Afraid my shame would be exposed. Afraid of really being known. But then you gave my heart a home. From fear of shame into the hope of life."

Friends, we are released! Free from shame, free from the past, free from lies. Yes, we mess up and need to come back often, but we're free! We GET to come back. We are released to run after Him!

Giving Thanks - Part 1

Yes, I'm aware that it's not Thanksgiving anymore, I'm not that crazy, promise! However, during the Thanksgiving season my DNA (disciple - nurture - accountability) group challenged one another to come up with 50 things a week that we were thankful for. We also started reading 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Well, confession. They started reading it, I bought it. At the moment (and always) I was hooked on reading She Reads Truth and didn't have time during the holiday season to add pleasure reading. Now I'm hooked on Love Does for pleasure reading. BUT, I am going to read 1000 Gifts, really! But despite my lack of reading, the act of giving thanks, being thankful, and living in a place where I look for ways to be thankful for everything sunk in deep with me. My "Type A" list loving self love this challenge. I've fallen back a bit, but still constantly looking for small, big, average, and spectacular things in my life to be thankful for. I decided why not share?! And we'll just call it a series. Once a week I'm going to share 20 of the things I collected and will continue collecting. 50 seemed like a few too many for you guys to actually read. And I want you to read them! Because I want to brag or want you to know me better? No! But because I actually believe in this big time now. It's helped change the way I see my days. Also, keep in mind I wrote many of the first 150-200 ish during the holiday season, sooo they might be seasonal (like pumpkin poptarts and peppermint mochas). So, I apologize in advance if I make you want something you can't have until next fall/winter. Oops!

Two of my favorite synonyms for thankful are please and relieved. My favorite definition of thankfulness is warm friendly feelings of gratitude. These things please me. They make me feel relieved about life. They give me warm feelings. What does that for you? Will you join me in being thankful?

1. My DNA group* 
2. Arise Church
3. Worship music
4. Starbucks tables
5. She Reads Truth
6. Pumpkin Pop-Tarts
7. Leopard print
8. Owl journals
9. Felt pens
10. Cooler days
11. Leaves to crunch
12. Unconditional love
13. The brick streets
14. The OWLs*
15. A God that heals
16. Glitter nail polish
17. Glitter
18. Coffee
19. The Starbucks morning regulars
20. Good Starbucks baristas

*DNA groups are small 3-5 accountability groups through Arise church, as stated above, stand for disciple - nurture - accountability. 

*OWLs stands for Older Wiser Ladies. It's a group of women who meet for dinner once a week who are single-ish, 28-31, and surrounded by college students who are 10 years younger than us. 

Calendar Journaling

I briefly posted about this Calendar Journaling concept once on a Five Things Friday post. I didn't go in depth, but now that I completed a whole year and bragged on the results, it seems like an appropriate time to talk a little more about it! On January 1st, I posted this picture with the following caption on Instagram and Facebook.

"A year ago today I started a calendar journal in an attempt to really pursue Jesus and feel connected to Him. I was committing to the smaller commitment of a tiny box vs daunting pages and pages of a journal. Today I finished it. Every box filled, all 365 of them. As a result of starting this practice, I also filled 1 and 1/2 regular sized journals with prayers. I'm hooked! Because of the calendar journal I've been able to discover so much about my patterns, sin and emotional. Knowing your patterns leads to planning for times you know will be harder. Which results in a more consistent walk with Jesus, less self condemnation, being motivated to seek purity and holiness by Jesus' love for me and not being "motivated" by shame and "trying" not to sin because the Bible says not to. When we're motivated by Jesus' love, we want to sin less and less. Not just because we're not supposed to sin, but because we don't want to because of love! All that to say... If you want to feel closer to Jesus this year and wish you'd be more consistent, give this a try! Go buy a calendar right now."

Last January, in a final cry out to cope with the grief of losing my dad right before the holidays and going through the holidays without him, I told Jesus I'd spend time with Him every day for two weeks, but that I didn't believe that even He could make this better. Boy was I wrong. I am a OCD list-y type of person. I'm also an all or nothing type of person. I've attempted to journal many times before in my life, and always failed. Never consistent, no follow through. The daunting pages and pages of an empty journal both inspired and discouraged me. If I'd miss a day or a week, I'd want to go back and write for each one of those days, but know I couldn't, so I just didn't write at all. But, I also knew journaling had value. I knew especially now, if I was going to really give Jesus a chance, I needed to be able to write things down to see if He actually was changing things. I ran across a calendar journal idea on Pinterest. It was more complicated and beautiful than this, but I didn't have time for crafty things, it was a new year and I wanted to start asap because I knew myself well enough to know if I didn't start right then, I wouldn't. (The pinterest pin inspiration - http://www.pinterest.com/pin/79094537178172576/).

So basically, just go buy a journal! My first year I opted for a simple one. Notebook size for bigger squares, but no weekly schedule or days, each month took up two full size pages. This year I upgraded and am doing a monthly/weekly one. I'll hit one word highlights in the month squares, and then write a little more on big squares. This isn't your planner, it's just a journal! Sure, you can use it as a planner too, it's all up to you! It's about you and what helps and works for you. Many things added up together helped transform my time with Jesus and my way more consistent relationship with him, but this by far was the biggest.

I'll share what I do, but you can totally make it you and yours in any and every way possible! I like colors, so I write in a different color every day. I also get excited about a new month because I do a little monthly doodle at the top of each page that corresponds with the month's theme. I write the significant things of the day. Example: "Starbucks Jesus time. Good work day. DNA group. Good convo with Britt." Example: "Overslept. No Jesus time. Blah work. Sin struggles. Grief moment." Example: "Arise. Love my church. Nap. Worked out."  See, basic? I mean I fill up those squares, but it's not a huge recap of each day. It's hitting points and patterns I want to track and things I want to remember. I do miss days sometimes, at least one or two a week, but because of the format, it's easy to remember the highlights of those days. This has helped me understand so much about my patterns! I know I struggle more with grief and sin on the weekends when I'm not around as many people. I know I have a horrible attitude about things when I miss spending time with Jesus in the mornings. I know that on Wednesdays when I have free afternoons and don't make a plan for how I'll use that free afternoon that I struggle with sin. I also was able to figure out some significant patterns to talk to my girl doctor about and realized I should be on medicine.

And guess what else? The sense of consistency and accomplishment calendaring journaling gave me, lead me to start writing prayers down in a real journal too. Never in my 30 years of life have a I finished a journal. Last year I finished a calendar journal, all 365 squares, and filled 1 and 1/2 regular journals with prayers. My Jesus time pattern is as follows: find a place (usually a table at Starbucks, but sometimes home), acquire coffee, pull out journals, Bible, pens, and/or book(s) and organize them, put in ear phones and play worship playlist on shuffle, fill out calendar journal for day before (and any missed days), start new day, pray by writing in prayer journal prayers of forgiveness and focus, read God's word (usually along with She Reads Truth), pray for other things the Holy Spirit prompts.

So there you go, simple, nothing special, but life changing for me. If you are disappointed in your consistency and wish you spent more time with Jesus, give this a try.

How the Church Loves

I started to post this really long "status" on Facebook and then thought I might annoy some of my Facebook "friends" by being so wordy. I had the following conversation with myself inside my head (yes, I'm that crazy, love me anyway).

"Why don't you post this on the blog you've been shamefully avoiding since you 'quit' that challenge? "

"I can't. I failed at something I said I'd try to do, I just can't."

"It's okay you know. They don't hate you. They might even miss you."

"It is YOUR blog, a BLOG, a place meant for words and sharing."

"You know you want to."

"Okay fine!"

So, let's get this part I've shamefully avoided out of the way. I didn't finish the challenge! I was a dummy to think October was a good time to commit to something like that. I had Homecoming, events, Halloween, catering orders. Silly me. I'm sorry! I wanted to do it, I really did, but I didn't. I hid from you for a while because I was ashamed, but I like and need writing too much to stay away. But, I do apologize from the bottom of my heart!

Now, back to my meant to be Facebook status that got too long, I was reading in She Reads Truth earlier this week:

"After Jesus tosses out those who would pervert the temple of God into a temple of wealth and greed and convenience, He does something revolutionary: He invites the Least inside.

The blind, the lame, the children all come in and Jesus welcomes them, heals them, confirms their place among Him. He cleared out those who profaned the temple and ushered in those who humbly sought after God.

When I picture the scene I can see myself in the wings, on the outside looking in. I am nervous, I am afraid, but I am drawn to this house of God and so I watch and wait. Those inside seem to have it together, bringing riches rather than sacrifice, doing religion like a business. All I have is this humble offering in my hands, carried the long journey from my home, over rocky roads and mistake-laden miles. Then I see Him. And right before my eyes I watch Him turn it on its side, all the pretension and injustice and darkness that kept me at bay. He sends out those who’ve come not for God but for gods. And then? He looks me in the eye. Me. Lame, frightened, filthy from days of travel, He looks at me and sees me. He motions for me to come in and then He tells me I belong.

Oh, Sisters, this is our Christ. He welcomes in the defenseless and He becomes their defense. He brings the weak to Himself and makes them strong. He desires not the shiny sacrifices our pride wishes to bring, but only a heart that is stayed on Him."

I was reading these beautiful words while listening to these lyrics from All Sons and Daughters song, All Praise to You:

"Hear our cries, Lord. Come shake these walls. Oh and rattle the steeples Lord, we are Your people!"

Well, I was once again weeping in Starbucks! I've said it many times, and I'll say it many more, but I'm so thankful for my church. I'm thankful for a body of believers who truly loves and longs for the the Least, the messy, and the far from perfect (like me). I hope for all churches that we'd cry out for shaken walls and rattled steeples, that we wouldn't be comfortable in our "Christians who have it all together" Sunday services. That we'd long to have rattled steeples and shaken walls where the Least feel welcomed, drawn to, and loved.

I'll try to be back more! And share things here even if I don't think they are "fancy" enough.